Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, and all you scallies and slappers on a stag and hen weekend. Welcome aboard this inaugural Chavair flight from Liverpool to Ibeeza. Your pilots today are Wayne and Daz, with their mate Baz leaning over from the jump seat urging them to go a bit faster. Your cabin staff are Shazza, Courtney and Kylie, who shouldn’t be flying as she’s up the duff again but wants her attendance bonus.

Please ensure that all your Kwik Save carrier bags are safely stowed in the overhead lockers or shoved under the seat in front of you.

Those passengers who have sat in the emergency exit rows thinking you will be able to get off of the plane first or who want the extra legroom so you can sprawl out admiring your white Kappa trainers will need to ensure that all items of hand baggage and spare trackies are stowed in the overhead lockers for take off and again for landing, including when we divert to Barcelona to kick off the drunk ASBO-holder in Row 6.

Please ensure that items you try to place in the overhead lockers such as baby buggies, bottles of Duty Free White Lightning, tamazipan and ghetto blasters are stowed securely as they could fall out and injure yourself or someone else. If you require any assistance at this time please do not hesitate to contact a member of Injury Lawyers 4 U who will shortly pass through the cabin to hand out claim forms and business cards.

You should now make sure that your fatbelt is fastened in preparation for departure. In the interest of safety and good taste your I-pod should be turned down to less than 120 decibels whilst the aircraft is on the ground. The use of electronic equipment (that’s anything that requires batteries) is not permitted whilst the fasten seatbelt signs are illuminated so please take off your Securicor tags now.

Mobile phones must now be switched off and remain switched off for the duration of the flight, even if you have only just lifted them from the Carphone Warehouse shop in the terminal building.

We shall now take you through our safety procedures and equipment onboard this Boeing 737-300GTi aircraft what Wayne has Twocked off the apron.

In the seat pocket in front of you, you will find a safety instruction card, unless the last passenger nicked it to flog on E-bay. Please take time to look at the pictures and avoid dribbling as you move your lips while trying to read the words on it. It highlights important safety information such as escape routes, lifejackets and the sprinkler system that will hose you down if you try to have a crafty smoke in the toilets. It also shows the bracing position which must be adopted in an emergency landing to protect your medallions, sovs, and unnecessarily large hoop earrings.

Emergency exits are located on both sides of the aircraft; they are clearly marked and are being pointed out to you now. Unlike other emergency situations that you might be more used to, you will not be able to do one out of the window.
There are two doors at the rear of the cabin, (please note, these are not the ones marked ‘Toilet’), two over-wing exits for those of you weighing less than twenty stone, and two doors at the front.

Please take a moment now to locate your nearest exit, which might be behind you. To help you find your way, additional lighting is provided in the aisle at floor level so you can crawl out on your hands and knees, bit like going home on Saturday night.

If the cabin air supply fails, cans like these will automatically be presented from the panel above your head. When the can appears, extinguish your cigarette (shame though it is to waste your last one), place it over your mouth and drink normally. Do make sure your own can is empty before helping yourself to others.

A designer lifejacket is located in a pocket beneath your seat. For those of you who are unable to swim, you have left it a bit late to learn. Place the lifejacket over your head and secure it to your shellsuit by means of this tape. Do not inflate your lifejacket until you are well outside the aircraft. You will know you are outside the aircraft as you will be very wet, especially those of you weighed down by too much fake gold jewellery from Argos.
At this time your seatbelts should be fastened. Extension belts are available for those who are in possession of loyalty cards from Burger King.

We will shortly be commencing your inflight service. This evening we will be giving you an opportunity to choose from our wide selection of bling, tax-free Lambrini and a range of snide Liverpool, Man U and England shirts. By the way we have anti-tampering alarms on all our trolleys that spray you with Burberry check dye should you try to rob from it.

Onboard today we have on offer a choice of Super-sized Big Mac meals, chicken tikka masala or kebabs. We accept UK sterling or Euros as well as major credit cards which must be in your own name. You will find in the seat pocket a price list and full details of outlets and fences for your tax-free goods.
Finally, on behalf of all of us at Chavair, may we thank you for flying with us today. We hope that you enjoy your flight and we look forward to seeing you when your licence is revoked and you are recalled to prison in a few days time.